Editing Examples
User Manual  •  Email  •  Document  •  Intranet

Compare Before and After versions.

Readability Index and reading grade levels explained in FAQs 5.

Example 1.
Making information lean
User Manual
 

Excellent customer experience. Minimum customer service.

Two excerpts from the

For demonstration purposes only

 1. Set up and get started

Results

• 4.3 Reading grade levels simpler, 41% shorter

Use of Factual and Reasoning information, with bullet points

2. Basics
Before – Reading grade level 13.4, Characters 552

Set screen time, allowances, and limits....

After – Reading grade level 9.1, Characters 324

Set screen time, allowances, and limits....

In Settings      set allowances and limits on screen time, app use and content ratings.

Screen Time on your iPhone enables you to manage the online access of your personal and family’s iOS devises. It produces a summary that shows the time spent using various types of apps, which apps send the most notifications and so on. You can use this information to:

  • Set usage allowance and limits for certain apps and websites

  • Prevent access to explicit music and web content

  • Specify access and rating limits for movies and TV shows

  • And more

Turn on and set up your iPhone
Before – Reading grade level 9.5, Characters 337

2. Do one of the following:

After – Reading grade level 6.6, Characters 303

2. Set up, do one of the following:

  • Automatically with Quick StartBring the two devices close together. Follow the onscreen instructions to securely copy many of your settings, preferences and iCloud Keychain.
    Condition: You have another iPhone, iPad, or iPod touch with iOS 11 or later.

  • Manually – Tap Set Up. Follow the onscreen instructions. Condition: You have no other iOS devise.

Results

• 2.9 Reading grade levels simpler, 10% shorter (less characters)

• Changed into a clear Either/Or action, with Conditions

Example 2.
Making information lean
Email
 

At first glance, the receiver knows their expected action.

Subject: Introduction – Swiss investment dinner

Hi Mr. Streit,

It was a pleasure to meet you last Thursday at the Swiss foreign investment dinner. I would like to show you investment opportunities in Bern. I believe I have a good idea of what you’re looking for. If you agree, how about next sometime?

 

Kind regards,

Danielle Nahdi

Results

• 1.9 Reading grade levels simpler, 54% shorter

• End with a question to increase response

Names have been changed

Before – Reading grade level 6.5, Characters 525

Subject: Conversation Follow-up at Swiss investment dinner

Hi Mr. Streit,

It was a pleasure to meet you this past Thursday at the foreign investment dinner hosted by the Swiss government. To follow-up on our conversation, I would appreciate showing you investment opportunities in the canton of Bern.
I would also appreciate discussing with you how it might be valuable for you and your company. I would like to meet you at your earliest convenience. Would it be possible for you to meet sometime next week or the week after? This would be the best for me and give me enough time to prepare.

 

Looking forward to the possibility of our next meeting.

My very best regards,

Danielle Nahdi

After – Reading grade level 4.6, Characters 239
Example 3.
Making information lean
Document
 

Simplify to best support employees, especially those
speaking English as a second language.

Results

• 2.0 Reading grade levels simpler, 39% shorter

Eliminated worthless sentence in original paragraph 2. "An effective LPM ...."

Training Introduction

International consultancy for agile project management

Before – Reading grade level 13.6, Characters 902

For demonstration purposes only

The Lean Portfolio Management (LPM) function has the highest level of decision-making and financial accountability for the products and Solutions in a SAFe portfolio.

 

An effective LPM function is necessary for SAFe success, but it is typically a function, not an organization. The people who fulfill these responsibilities may have various titles and roles. But this function usually includes the business managers and executives who understand the Enterprise’s financial position and are ultimately responsible for portfolio strategy, operations, and execution.

 

Note: LPM is significantly different than traditional portfolio management. In many cases, an existing legacy mindset—with annual planning and budgeting cycles and traditional measures of progress—severely inhibits the enterprise’s transition to agility. In response, SAFe recommends seven transformational patterns to move the organization to the leaner, more effective approach described in the article Extend to the Portfolio. With this context in mind, we can move on to describing Lean portfolio management.

After – Reading grade level 11.6, Characters 548

The Lean Portfolio Management (LPM) has the highest level of decision-making and financial accountability. It usually includes business managers and executives who understand their enterprise. They are often responsible for portfolio strategy, operations, and execution.

 

Note: LPM is different than traditional portfolio management. In many cases, an existing legacy mindset can inhibit the enterprise’s transition to agility. For example, SAFe has different ways to plan, budget and measure progress. For further information, see the seven transformation patterns at Extend to the Portfolio, Figure 1. Evolving traditional mindsets to Lean-Agile thinking.

Example 4.
Making information lean
Intranet
 

Your employees prefer not being disturbed.

Work Smart Communication Quarterly

Before

Many employees of a Swiss multinational were unaware of the information services offered by an internal department. Their services were underutilized.

 

 

Work Smart was created – a new communication platform. Issues of Work Smart offered employees a just a few articles, each no longer than a screen. Department services were easier to order.

After

Limit reader choice (3 articles)

Image approved by Swiss Re

Results

Work Smart piloted in North America. Then, rolled out worldwide to great success. Work Smart was taken over by Corporate IT. It ran for 10 years.

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